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[21 Feb 2007|02:18pm]
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3 (...Learning How The Hell To Do This)

[02 Jan 2007|06:48pm]
[ mood | good (sexxxy glasses) ]

hey all. how was your christmas? mines was ok i got a bunch of cool stuff including my metal ddr pad which means i can finally exercise.plus i met my nutritionist and now im eating better then i had before so things are going good. i see my pyschiatrist again in a week so hell fine tune my medications and see what i need to take and stuff. what else is new? hmmmm. i dyed my hair again (shocker eh) its pink now with a little left over blonde and brown roots because i didnt want to bleach it and trash my hair if it wasnt necessary. im gunna make my hair look all pretty tomorow with my new clothes and earings (big ol' hoops with hearts in them) and i get to wear eyeliner again because i got a eyeliner pencil sharpener in my stocking so now i have eyeliner galore. hey do you remember that movie with that robot johnny 5 character. what a rad movie.
Read more...Collapse )
i met this guy on friday named john hes from wareham which is far but not long distance. we've been talking alot the past two days. he says im beautiful which is sweet because no one has told me that since rob did on our 1 month aniversary, but im scared and a little sceptical because im scared he'll pull a dave and wicked fuck me over but ill be more careful. i dont know what else to say so yeah <3 sam

2 (...Learning How The Hell To Do This)

ya know what if this entry offends you. i dont care its your decision to read this so fuck off [29 Dec 2006|11:00pm]
i fuck everything up
i swear i do
i call people assholes
but im the asshole
im the bitch
im the backstabbing ugly two faced cunt slut
im everything i dont want to be.
why cant i just begin again
not spiritually but actually start over
i want to rewind and start off as a baby again with all the knowledge i have of what would come
that way i couldnt fuck anything up
if i could i would have ate less
i would have ran around like a little kid should do
i would have been happy and not wanted to grow up
but its gone now
3 years to "grow" then ill be "free"
free to do what fuck up even more only without people to help me?
i know what i want but i can never get it because no one in this shitty town wants to start a serious band.
im lonely
i like writing like this im sorry if this pisses you off
and im even more sorry because i dont care
maybe thats why i have no friends.
1 (...Learning How The Hell To Do This)

alot of surveys/ quizes [28 Dec 2004|02:23pm]
[ mood | bored ]

my vaca is so boring i need a car, a life and a boyfriend...

i want to have sex with erica right nowCollapse )

2 (...Learning How The Hell To Do This)

let me dirty up your mind [18 Dec 2004|11:00pm]
[ mood | cracked ]

its cold and im lonely no one is online. i want to fall asleep but i dont want to sleep in my bed tonight. i cant sleep alone anymore. but if i sleep in my dads room ill feel sick and like a lil girl because i used to sleep there with my mom a long time ago. before beauty mattered. before anything mattered. im just stressed because my life is an alarm thats about to go off basically not enough time to fix anything anymore because i dont know how. im not waiting for anyone to fix it either, because thats what you all think , that and that im an attention whore well im not i just want to talk to somebody ok? thats all i wanted. i used to love dave sleeping over he held me and it was so cute. he cradled me in his arms like i was this perfect fragile doll. I miss that feeling. i cant sleep alone anymore. but i have to. my room disgusts me. i shall clean it tomorow. i want to paint it but theres too many holes and i want my dad to plug them up but theres too many bars for him to go to, too many beers for his hands. so why bother with me. ill try to do that myself i guess. i want to buy a bus ticket to kentucky with sarah and never come back and get all my tatoos and piercings and be in a band and a writer. i know it wont change anything. the locations dont change how i feel. only i can do so. so why am i stuck feeling like this. i know the answer to that im bipolar, with no selfesteem cuz of my weight (and americas thoughts against it),all alone with no boyfriend/girlfriend, no one to help me start a serious life-long band to make me feel important etc whatever i have more then others have and im selfish but i dont care anymore. if u havent noticed. which makes me an even bigger bitch right? its all a big cycle. life is isnt it though?

2 (...Learning How The Hell To Do This)

I died in my dreams whats that supposed to mean? [18 Dec 2004|08:24pm]
[ mood | mixed up inside ]

Hey, long time no write I presume? I'm not sure when my last update was and frankly I dont care. I despise America, men and their standards of beauty I know It's retarded cause according to few (very few) "[I'm] so pretty and perfect the way [I] am" but eh the one who said that was a backstabbing bitch and now I am "fat,ugly,all[I] wear is [my] ugly pink jacket that doesnt fit[me] and [I] run funny" fuck you bitch who doesnt know me or have the balls to say it to my ugly fat face fuck you all. rawr. ok anyways I got way off topic... Im pissed because nothing at Heavy red, lip service, retail slut and every other normal sized clothing stores anywhere. But when I find clothes that fit my lardy self their hideous and not anything I want to wear at all. If I could I swear I'd wear vinyl all the time Before the day I die I will go to durfee in a pink vinyl catsuit with a black fishnet thong over that. Of course I will weigh 110 and I'll put everyone to shame. Youll fucking want me marley (muhahaha) because you cant want me now because I'm not pretty enough you fucking shallow fuck.
On another note...
Auditions for competitions (dtc) are coming up soon. No one thinks I can get a part because it's really hard to get in and I'm not good enough. No one has seen me really act ok? No one has seen what I can do when I'm not a nervous wreck like I was when I auditioned which was due to the fact that I was afraid of the B's. I could have done a better job then Shenay ok? I swear it. Mrs O'Shaughnesy (spelling?) would know. I need this particular part of this girl who gets pregnant and contemplates suicide because I could do it better then anyone in there because I know how that feels I wouldnt have to write a fucking character biography because I've been there a place that Amy Thurston was not but watch her get the part. your right. I dont stand a chance. I hope your happy.
I used to censor what I said in here but fuck it if you dont want to hear me then fuck off.
my dad is a drunk.
my family is so fucked up and i dont want to stay in this house any longer
at least I have a dad right? whatever It still hurts as much because It's not like hes ever around (physically and mentally) and when he is hes too busy to hear me out.
my mom is judgmental.
she hides my fucking pills so i cant find them and kill myself. I know where they are dumb ass! suicide is stupid but it will always be on my mind and in my heart because im a big fat hypocrite contradicting liar, who runs funny and is of no good in the dtc.
I need a boyfriend. I need an escape. I need to be held.I need to be beautiful.
but i blow too much to get anything becuase of fucking America.
I'm going to see the dresden dolls feb 5 bitch! and i have dsl

(...Learning How The Hell To Do This)

*yawn* this might be a long one [12 Dec 2004|01:54pm]
[ mood | envious ]

its sunday morning and im bored. I wish my mom didnt wake me up so early. because all im doing is watching what little entertainment is on tv. tonight is the last night of the christmas carol and everyone who reads this should go tonight and if you read this on monday or something and you didnt go...
My friend tyler from somplace near brockton came to see me and erica (mostly erica) last night. he still looks wicked hott but hes 13 and has a girlfriend and probably doesnt find me very attractive, who does? Oh I have a crush on this guy in dtc ive told select people but not everyone because im afraid that...
1 hell find out from someone and hate me
or 2 everyone will be mad at me because hes an "asshole"
but who isnt an asshole.
Hes funny, cute, shy (according to my/his friend) and single. plus erica said we'd make a cute couple and we have alot in common. I never noticed so i'll have to pay more attention tonight.
my mom and bro went to nyc yesterday and bought me fuckloads of hello kitty stuff because i didnt get to go and nyc is my 2nd fave place ever (the 1st being p-town) so basically it was a pity gift but oh well. i like things. i "accidently" found out what three of my x-mas presents are... a pro ddr pad (like the ones in arcades), the nirvana box set <3<3<3 and my lil bro got me this hot chettah print wallet thing. im hoping ill get ma noce pierced too ive wanted it since i was 6.
on another note. my mom set up an appointment with a family counselor, ill be seeing a nutritionist soon, ive been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and im on depokote (spell?) along with my regular wellbutrin. im praying things will go well. i g2g ill wml
<3 sammi
thank you very much thank you very much thats the nicest thing that anyones ever done for me it may sound double dutch but my delight is such i feel as if a losing war's been won for me and if i had a flag id hang me flag out to celbrate a final vic'try touch but since i left me flag at home id simply have to say thank you very very much.

(...Learning How The Hell To Do This)

[05 Dec 2004|03:45pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Im sorry I was such a bitch to everyone of my friends, I always get pissed off because I have no social life and no friends and i wonder why. well i figured it out its because im a bitch and i blame it on the moodswings when i shouldnt. i blame myself im a two faced manipulative selfish cunt and thank you all for putting up with the bullshit you dont have to deal with i love u all. dtc time now

3 (...Learning How The Hell To Do This)

[04 Dec 2004|11:01am]
[ mood | crazy ]

ya know what I have two new favorite movies, which isnt actually that strange considering almost every movie I see becomes my "favorite.. but anyways they were Requiem Of A Dream and Mean Girls. They both taught me alot surprisingly.
Requiem of a Dream was rather depressing and showed me what drugs can do to people and when people say "thats all bullshit,they're only showing the negative part of drugs" watch it and theyll show you but after a while the positive wears off and you'd do anything to get the positive back so you take more drugs and then your addicted and your fucked. It was a really good movie in which made me cry for a good 3 hours.
Mean girls was really good as well. Wait I know what your thinking "another stupid teen film" but it wasnt stupid it made me think...
"woah this all bullshit, highschool is bullshit, beauty is bullshit and you dont need any of it. so why do shit to impress people when in 5 years or so they most likely will have no impact on your life. If your fat and you didnt mind before assholes told you that you have to be thin then fuck em be fat embrace fatness and eat as much as you fucking want. and if you want to lose weight dont do it because of what others say. do it beacause you want to be healthy and happy. I know this is very
school counselor-esque but people think about it for more then 5 seconds and youll see that trends and the media and everything is fucked up in this world and if everyone tries to stop it and embrace individuality then eventually maybe everyone can be happy.
yes I know Im a hypocrite because I let people hurt me but I dont have to and Im not gunna fucking do it anymore."

on a more personal note.. my mommy is gunna call a nutritonist and help me end my cycle of eating disorders beacuse its wicked fucking sickening. that must have sounded like a contridiction because of what I said up there but oh well. I know why I want to change and that shouldnt make a difference to you.
as for today goes I have theatre at 1:00 til i think 5,6,or 7:00 I'm getting fitted today and that makes me really nervous because I despise trying on shit. but oh well.
<3 sammi

dont you hate it when you get a pimple in your ear owwwwww

1 (...Learning How The Hell To Do This)

i have a nipple on my leg [28 Nov 2004|04:19pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

no its no nipple its a flea bite and it itches and its making me really fucking mad. anyways im really tired i have to go to bed really early cuz im gunna wake up at 5:15 tomorow morning so i can workout to the kickass punk music i downloaded. oh btw my livejournal layout is so fucked right now someone should help me. the play is friday and im scared fuckless. I wish i wasnt absent that week because now i feel so left behind i dont know the rest of december the 25th plus im not gunna be at the rehearsal on tuesday so i can guarentee im gunna miss out then too. i need to calm down. ok all i need to do is learn the ending of dec the 25 and the rest of thank you very much, along with everyone else and go over a christmas carol one more time i think im all set. dude i dont like have a costume either i dont know if anyone else does. im nervous and worried ill fuck up the play and that will cause amy t. to tell me im a disgrace to the dtc which will cause me to kill her and ill go to jail but im too young to be someones bald bitch. idk im so weird wont someone in dtc give me advice or there opinion.
I feel unusually content despite all the nervousness. I feel free because I'm making my mom call the weightloss clinic so i have more self esteem and im going to see my doctor this week(if im not mistaken) and that means hell evaluate me for bipolar disorder and give me a different medicine and it will control my moods and i wont be a moody cuntbag all the time. i dont know what else to say except


1 (...Learning How The Hell To Do This)

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